Friday, April 30, 2004
[This is what can come of reading Susanna]
If you're going to do song parody, why stop at just one tune when whole musicals present themselves? Well, we try to please. A half dozen parodies will be arriving here over the next few days. Hopefully, they will give you some joy. Some find them more fun if they're really sung. Daddy-o, like...hear the man’s music!
...So now...
Throw down your shovels!
Sit on your asses!
Light up a Marsh-Wheeling...and join those loveable gangs; the Flacks and the Blogs in selections from...
(a) PRESS' SNIDE STORY
(with deep apologies to Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein)
THE FLACK SONG
SHA'RIA
AMER-I-CA
TOO RIGHT!
(Secretary) GENERAL KOFI
I FEEL PITY Update!
THE FLACK SONG
When you're a Flack you're a Flack all the way
From your first weekly rag
To by-lines and big pay!
Yeah!
When you're a Flack let them say what they want
You can tear ‘em all down
In a fifty point font!
You live on the ‘phone
With balance disconnected.
Yeah!
You hack for some drone
Your party wants elected.
Yeah! Yeah!
Write what’s expected.
Then you are marked with a Capital ‘F’
Which you'll never transcend, being clueless and deaf.
And write small!
We always write small!
We’re Flacks!
Not the straightest!
When you're a Flack you lap up the renown-
A brassy old ‘kid’ with an arrogant frown!
Yeah!
When you're a Flack you must think you’re the thing;
(Little man, you're an imp with delusions of king!)
The Flack never fears
The keyboard is a-clickin'
Yeah!
At DNC rears
The worst are busy lickin’
Yeah! Yeah!
And readers sicken.
Here come the Flacks with a story to tell;
Someone frames it to fit,
Someone bends it to sell.
Yeah!
Here come the Flacks, little world deep inside
Which is kept under wraps,
An agenda to hide!
We’re pushin’ a line,
We keep our motives hidden!
Yeah!
We're hangin' a sign
Says honesty forbidden!
Yeah! Yeah!
And we ain't kiddin'
Here come the Flacks!
Yeah!
...wherein the scales may fall from even a reporter’s eyes...
SHA’RIA...
The most puzzling sound I ever heard:
...Sha’ria. Sha’ria. Sha’ria. Sha’ria...
All of the fatwas of their world in a single word;
…Sha’ria. Sha’ria. Sha’ria. Sha’ria…
Sha’ria!
I’ve just done a piece on Sha’ria,
And suddenly I know,
Why soldiers have to go
To war.
Sha’ria!
Just see what I wrote on Sha’ria.
You’ll read it and agree,
We missed things, you and me,
Before.
Sha’ria…
Say it soft, and hear mullahs praying.
Say it loud and hear stoning and slaying.
Sha’ria.
I never considered Sha’ria…
The most frightening sound I ever heard:
Sha’ria!
Too many are blind to Sha’ria.
They never see the dead,
The countries running red,
With gore.
Sha’ria!
And N.O.W., still, is hushed on Sha’ria.
Maimed women they don’t see,
They love diversity
Much more.
Sha’ria!
Say it soft, and hear mullahs praying.
Hear it loud; we’re the target, they’re saying.
Sha’ria.
I’ll never stop hating Sha’ria.
The most frightening sound I ever heard:
Sha’ria.
In the lobby of the Press Club, some Blogs on the make run into some Flacks…
AMER-I-CA
(spoken)
Old Media!
Oh, my heart condition!
When will you be showing…
A little contrition!
(spoken)
Old Media: “Political Correctness...a lovely concept...oasis of common sense
Always our feelings connecting...
Always ‘bad’ history correcting...”
(spoken)
New Media: (mockingly) “Political Correctness...an ugly concept...oasis of nonsense
Always a bias showing...
Always the pundits crowing...and their tantrums throwing,
And the newsies prying...
And reporters lying.
We’d change the Press from Manhattan - Boot up your Mac and type that in!”
(music) Dadada Dadada Da-Da-Da….
(sings)
ALL:
We have free press in AMER-I-CA,
Sometimes a mess in AMER-I-CA,
Bias excess in AMER-I-CA,
Like an abscess in AMER-I-CA!
(music) Dadada Dadada DA-Da....
OM: "Media mostly is our wing"
NM: "Think of the trouble that that brings!"
ALL: Hooray! Hooray! (whistles, shouts)
OM: "Stories are best with correct views."
NM: "All that you lack is the whole news!"
ALL:
Newspapers cheap in AMER-I-CA,
Piling ‘em deep in AMER-I-CA,
Columnists weep in AMER-I-CA,
Writing don't keep in AMER-I-CA!
OM: "We print what’s fit off the news wire."
NM: "We know reporters you should fire!"
ALL: Papah! Getcha Papah! (arm waving, shouts)!
OM: "Batting them out by the dead-line."
NM: "Under a misleading head-line!"
ALL:
TV is dogging AMER-I-CA,
Talk shows are hogging AMER-I-CA,
Anchors are flogging AMER-I-CA,
Smartasses clogging AMER-I-CA!
OM: "TV is first on the sto-ry."
NM: "Anything leads if it’s go-ry!"
ALL: Eeeeewwwww….
OM: "We show big newsmakers each day."
NM: "You filter everything they say!"
ALL:
Radio free in AMER-I-CA,
More, for a fee in AMER-I-CA,
NPR flee in AMER-I-CA,
No "BBC" in AMER-I-CA!
OM: "Talk radio is a bad choice."
NM: "What about 'masses' and their voice?"
ALL: Hahaha Hahaha ha-HA! (laughter, catcalls)
OM: "We think the lineup is un-fair."
NM: "People tune out when you're on air!"
ALL:
Internet hum in AMER-I-CA,
Columnists glum in AMER-I-CA,
Fact-checking some in AMER-I-CA,
Global views come to AMER-I-CA!
OM: "Amateur writers are such pains."
NM: "Anyone's able to use brains!"
ALL: Yay! Yeeee-hawww! (cheers, dancing)
OM: "Pro writers better in our view."
NM: "Bloggers are waiting to hose you!"
ALL:
There's a good life in AMER-I-CA,
Opinion rife in AMER-I-CA,
Said with less strife in AMER-I-CA,
Better your life with
AMER-I-CA !
In journalism school, they’re merrily singing…
Too Right
Too Right, too Right
It's all moved far too Right!
Our social conscious world went away.
Too Right, too Right
The country's far too Right,
Who they tax, how they spend, what we pay.
Today…all day they hurt my feelings
Their massive social spending
Is plainly way too tight.
Now here we are,
And what was headed Left, is thus far…
Too Right!
Too Right, too Right
The world is full of fight,
With bombs and hate all over the place.
Too Right, too Right
Our world is wild with fright.
Mullahs mad...why are they...in our face?
Today…it’s our fault they attacked us;
With phony war on terror,
George Bush makes us feel fright!
Now, here we are
With Ridge, our freaking big Homeland Czar,
Too Right!
Meanwhile, another story. The real rumble is on over at the U.N……
(Secretary) GEN-ER-AL KOFI
BUSH: (sings)
Dear….. Secretary Kofi
You gotta understand,
That freedom is a trophy
For which we take a stand.
The UN’s full of cowards!
The Council’s full of rats!
All - those – “Leaders” talking through their hats!
BUSH AND CABINET: GEE!
‘General’ Kofi, we're very upset.
You merely wanna chat when there’s a credible threat.
You think it’s just culture;
We’ve ‘misunderstood’
We’re not “consulting like we should.”
BUSH: Like we should?
CABINET: Like we should? Like we should?
Like we really should?
We don’t ask…your blessing like we should?
RUMSFELD: (spoken) That's a DAMN good story!
BUSH: (spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!
POWELL: (spoken) Just tell it to Jacques...
BUSH: (sings)
Dear kindly Jacques Chirac we
Think AQ’s playing rough.
And then that damned Iraqi
Saddam kept talking tough.
You told Annan “don’t help us”
We’re feeling sorta had.
Leapin' lizards! That's why we’re so mad!
JACQUES: OUI!
‘General’ Kofi, you're really a dunce
This Bush guy is simplisme as I’ve said more than once.
Think! Under the table, we’ve all gotten paid!
War has exposed the Oil Charade!
BUSH: Oil charade!
CABINET: Oil charade! Oil charade!
Bared the whole charade!
Like, the war, has bared the whole charade!
JACQUES: (spoken) In our collective opinion, Bush is simplisme
on account he ain’t a real European.
BUSH: (spoken) Hey, I'm behaved on account I’m derived!
JACQUES: (spoken) So let him talk to the Germans…
BUSH: (sings)
Dear Deutch, we fought your Kaiser,
We made you Hitler-free.
My father found you wiser,
But now you’re eating brie.
Our troops have saved your country
From Soviet distress.
Goodness, Gerhard; now look—it’s a mess!
SCHRÖEDER: JA!
‘General’ Kofi, you're really a schwein
You failed to get him toeing the transnational line.
The UN has played Bush some terrible tricks;
They’ve saddled him with old Hans Blix!
BUSH: Old Hans Blix!
CABINET: Old Hans Blix, old Hans Blix
With old Blix Blix Blix
Like we’ve heard…enough from old Hans Blix!
BLIX: (spoken) In my opinion, Bush don't need to talk to Germans at all.
They got no WMDs. WMDs are purely imaginary!
BUSH: (spoken) Hey, we got imaginary corpses!
BLIX: (spoken) So send him to Human Rights Watch…
BUSH: (sings)
Dear kindly interferer
You sit there on your ass,
While monsters far and nearer
Are murdering in mass.
You’re blind and self-important,
It’s obvious you’re botched;
Glory-osky! The genocides you’ve watched!
HRW: EEK!
‘General’ Kofi, you've done it again.
We haven’t been exposed this way since we don’t know when.
He ain't so simplisme, we’ve misunderstood!
Deep down inside him, he's dam’ good!
BUSH: I’m dam’ good!
CABINET: He’s dam’ good! He’s dam’ good!
He is real damned good,
Unlike them, George Bush is fooking good!
JACQUES: Our trouble is he's willful.
SCHRÖEDER: Our trouble is he fights!
BLIX: Our trouble is he's skillful.
SCHRÖEDER: Our trouble is he’s right!
JACQUES: Our trouble is his nature!
BLIX: Our trouble is his “tone!”
BUSH AND CABINET: Kofi, we face troubles on our own!
See, ‘General’ Kofi
We're NOT on our knees,
'Cause no one wants attacks that come from moves to appease.
Gee ‘General’ Kofi
What are we to do?
Hey ‘General’ Kofi
F*ck You!
They’re c o o o o m m ing…
I Feel Pity
I feel pity
Oh, much pity,
I feel pity for cities in France.
Europe’s cities,
Menaced by Jihadi army ants.
I see arming,
Oh, much arming-
It’s alarming, the harming we’ll see.
Won’t be pretty—
Coming continental killing spree.
See the chilling group in Madrassa there:
Who can this frightening group be?
Such a scary plan,
Such a chilling text,
Such a bloody ban.
Are we to be next?
Sheiks come gunning,
Backpacks bursting,
EU’s led by the worst sycophants.
Europe running;
Menaced by Jihadi army ants.
posted by Stephen at 11:41 PM | Plink
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